Friendship. We all know it, we’ve all heard it, we all use it. So, what’s the problem?? The problem is that the definitions, expectations, and interpretations of the word vary ridiculously. Well boys and girls, here is your lesson in friendship. In other words, I am about to break it down so that it can forever and consistently be broke.

First off, before you go trying to assess what type of friends your “friends” are, start with yourself. What type of friend are you?? Those that know me, know this: I don’t answer my phone. It’s not like I am intentionally being rude or inconsiderate, it’s just a nasty habit of leaving it on vibrate or silent while tucked away in my purse or some remote part of my apartment. So what kind of friend am I? The type that won’t answer, but I’ll definitely call back. What am I saying?? If your damn house is on fire or you need other immediate assistance, I might not be the best person to call!! I recognize that, now you take a moment to do the same……ready? Let’s proceed.

Next, you must look at the unchangeable characteristics of the people you deem “friends” and assess which of the following categories they fall within. It’s time for the real n*&!$a roll call:

Work/School Associate: This person is the one you clown with while trying to maintain your sanity in the workplace or the classroom. You eat lunch together, try to schedule your meetings at the same time, and always call the other the day before you call in so that they can plan accordingly. What does that mean? It means that when you are having trouble with your girl/guy, this is not the person to talk to!! Acceptable conversation: Why so and so don’t ever do no damn work? Did you watch Grey’s Anatomy last night? Unacceptable conversation: Should I break up with him/her? Do you know a hit man? You know where I can buy some weed and find some hoes? In other words, keep it light.
Kick it buddy: This person is always down to kick it. Looking for a good time? This is the person call. He/she normally has issues with commitment and all things serious, so they know all the Hollywood gossip, but couldn’t tell you about one damn current event. They know where all the parties are, but call you when they are looking for daily necessity spots like the post office or the nearest bank!! Do you have this type of friend? Admit that this is his/her role and stop trying to call them to discuss you innermost secrets and pains. They don’t give a damn! They just wanna kick it. So instead of calling them and asking “what should I do?” call only to ask “where the party at?”
Selfish ass: This is the person that you can always count on to steal your damn moment! It’s about you and somehow they flip the shit to be about them. You got a new car, they about to get one. You got a new chic, he already hit that. What does this mean? You can count on them for a good time when it’s THEIR birthday, THEIR promotion, THEIR wedding, etc. But when YOU need some attention or YOU are looking to have a good time in YOUR own honor, don’t call this one. If you want the spotlight, miss them with the invite to celebrate your moment. If you know this bitch is selfish, why is she at your birthday party?? Let that hoe stay at home so you can get yo shine on!
I don’t wanna hear that shit: This is the damn one! The one that always says the shit you are not looking to hear at that particular time. You wanna go off and vent about how messed up your day was at work, only for them to say, “Well you better watch it before they fire you.” I DON’T WANNA HEAR THAT SHIT! You are having a great week with your significant other and want to share the romantic feelings, only to get a response like, “It’s hard to believe that this is the same guy that cheated on you twice!” BITCH, I DON’T WANNA HEAR THAT SHIT! What am I saying? Only call this one on opposite day, the day you are looking to hear something that you know is going to piss you off!
Chill homie: You can always call him/her when its going down at the house. A game of UNO, they are there. A movie night?? They bring their own DVD collection and movie theater popcorn. What does this tell us about this person?? They are a genuine lazy ass! Sorry homies, but the truth is what it is. They are not the person to call when you need to paint a room or move into a new spot. You will set yourself up for the ultimate disappointment! This is the person that won’t help you lift a damn thing, but the first to show up at the housewarming. So instead of calling and saying “can you help me…?” just call and ask “your house or mine?”
Topical Friend: This friend is a much more personal friend than the previous list. However, your conversations, as intimate as they may be, have to remain centered around the topics you have in common. What am I talking about? When you are having relationship issues, you talk to your friends that are in relationships. She got a man, you got a man, so you can talk shit about them all night long. He got a car and you ride the bus, ya’ll can’t relate when he calls to tell you that his transmission went out or you call to say “can you believe they raised the bus fare by whole damn 25 cents??” It’s not quite….ya’ll can’t quite…..the conversation just won’t quite…work out. Why? Cause ya’ll asses can’t relate. The tip for this friend people is to keep all things relative!! Anything outside of that creates a level of awkwardness where both of you are left thinking “Why the hell is he/she talking to me about this shit??” So to avoid this moment, keep it common or shut the hell up!
Ride or Die/Down for Life/Smack a hoe quick for you type: Now this type of friend knows what you want and what you need. They will tell you when you look a hot ass mess because they don’t want to be seen in public with yo ass! They will tell you when you dead wrong cause they want the best for you. They will let you fuck up with out saying “I told you so!” They will pray with you when you need it, or ride to that fools house and wet it up if that’s how it gotta be! This friend is down for you, but they expect the same. This friendship is mutual on all levels. What does that mean?? You need $20? They got it for you or will do what they can to get it. You happy, they wanna go for drinks. You pissed, they wanna go for drinks. You depressed, you already know! This is the 3:00 in the AM friend. These are few and far between, but the problem is that too many of us try to thrust people in this category that don’t damn belong!! So, you are welcome for the favor. Keep this category sacred, and toss them other hoes where they damn belong!